it’s 3 am in foggy bottom. the chevy girls are tucked safely into bed. a bailout in bifocals and a fully vetted pants suit is writing down her campaign loans. there’s a call on the Hot Line. a flibbertijibbet is phoning it in from waikiki. “i’ll trade him george soros, plus chelsea, for the sultan of brunei. for another 13 million, i’ll put the bag over her head. and senate candidate number 6 says to say hello, and could you fedex him a case of that sunscreen sarah palin said she liked? sure, he wishes you were here.”
1. barack “when irish eyes are smiling, they’re listening to patrick leahy getting punk’d by dick cheney” obama flew to hawaii to shoot an Abs Gone Wild video for youtube. then he climbed Diamond Head to shoot a Nike commercial featuring oprah singing a cover version of sir mixalot’s Baby Got Back. then he went aboard the USS Arizona to shoot an iPod commercial featuring the song Bomb Iran by Godzillary and the Donors of Bill. then he gave a shoutout to george “go scooter yourself” bush. then he gave a shoutout to jesse “a snitch in time saves nine senate candidates” jackson junior. then he gave a shoutout to rick “cone of silence. and icosahedron of horse hockey” warren. then he bought a round of beers for everybody. then, thanks to a wardrobe malfunction while he searched in his pockets for Change, he flashed everyone his “stimulus.” then oprah grabbed the microphone. “850 Big Ones! that’s more than lieberman’s Jerusalem Jammer, dubya’s Pakistan Pounder, and hillary’s Huma Hubby put together. that’s a lot of junk bonds in the trunk.”
2. The Thing That Works at Avenue “Capital” Group campaigned in georgia to raise money for her “father’s” foundation. “we—i mean, they—need money bad. senate candidate number three gave me all of donor number five’s money to invest in madoff’s A-1 Ponzi Surprise, and i flushed the rest down a chinese toilet at wal-mart. no, i never saw any money change hands at blago’s stag parties. i always had a bag over my head. besides, at least i’m not carrying some Ice Age throwback’s bun in my oven. besides, i could have a boyfriend if i wanted one. besides, governor paterson said i was the prettiest girl he’d ever seen. besides, i don’t give interviews.”
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2008/12/hillary-clint-1.html
3. george “700 billion bailout dollars and all i got was this lousy Fuck Leahy! t-shirt” bush, who may go down in history as the greatest lame duck president of all time, pardoned 19 people. but not scooter “Rectal Itch” libby. “fuck cheney. bam-o’s my buddy now. if dick wants scooter sprung, he can do it Dukes of Hazzard style. larry craig can flash his daisy dukes at the warden, and palin can blow a hole in the wall with her moosebow dynamite arrows.” then he fist-bumped santa. then he fist-bumped the easter bunny. then he fist-bumped the tooth fairy. then he fist-bumped robert “a little something to remember gitmo by” gates.
4. illinois governor rod “the once and future dishwasher” blagojevich, who nixoned himself just in time to save four senate candidates from senate candidate number 5, jesse “snitch number one” jackson number 2, declared he was innocent of all the crimes he had committed in FBI wire traps. “i dared them to tap my phones, remember? i mean, how stupid would i have to be to say something incriminating? does that even sound like me? seriously, how much am i bid for this lovely seat in the electric chair?”
5. a star appeared in the east. a heavenly choir attended the labor pains of an unwed mother with greeting card eyes, while three wisenheimers brought gifts of frankincense and oxycodone. then they threw bail for her “mother.” then they threw a moose in a turkey grinder. then john “the son of admirals and the grandson of admirals. but not an admiral. or president” mccain, after more than forty years of service to his country and more than thirty years of sticking it to his faithful, disabled first wife with the Budweiser Barbie, officially ceased to matter.
Seed Newsvine
politiqs by tommy jonq 