Stanford University October 20, 2018 Geneticist-for-hire and honorary Indian Scout, Professor Carlos Bustamente, announced today that DNA analysis of Monica Lewinsky’s prom dress “proves once and for all” that Bill Clinton is “at least 1/1024th Chelsea’s ancestor.” Hillary Clinton, Bill’s long-time wife and perennial presidential campaign loser, waved the results in winning presidential candidate Donald Trump’s face. “Look–we believe survivors,” the former one-term Senator insisted. “But not 21-year old unpaid interns. Besides, this vast, right-wing conspiracy to deny me my birthright to be president owes me an apology. Besides, Chelsea looks nothing like Web Hubbell. Besides, I wear a Monica costume for Bill every Hallowe’en, and one of these years, he’s bound to come home!”