am i high?
1. Blind Man Regains Sight After Doctors Implant Son’s Tooth in His Eye (it took a total of two years. and yes it worked.)
2. angielinia jiolie endorses bush’s troop surge.
3. mcbain calls himself a liberal.
4. ohmymotherfuckinggodbama raises more than 50 million this month. maybe more than 10 billion. who knows? his power grows by the second. bow down and tremble before him.
am i bored?
1. mcbain pulled over his own campaign bus to have a little unofficial celebratory front-runner chill-out bbq and ended up setting fire to the bus. then he tried to blow out the fire. then the fire blew his eyebrows off. now he’s pissing his pants trying to keep his short and curlies from bursting into flames. by the time august gets here, the bus may be forced to leave his burningman corpse in a rest stop men’s room and plow on, with al gore as the emergency rescue driver. or godzillary, since gore is a little to the left.
2. godzillary “denounced and rejected” the last person in texas willing to admit publicly that he supports her. “who needs voters when i have experience?” then she cackled.
3. early, leaked exit polls of early voters in texas give alamobama a six point lead, especially in urban precincts where that would give him a two-delegate-for-every-vote advantage. already.
4. godzillary no longer acknowledges that texas is a state, preferring to insist that ohio’s really, really, this time, the real firewall. then she repeated, “pennsyl-indiana-pakistan is my firewall. if i don’t win the india . . . 2016 nomination, i may have to think about toying with the idea of declaring my candidacy this year a draw. that gave me a slight advantage.” polls indicate that she trails dubya’s texas rangers jock strap among likely democratic voters in the twenty-third century. “but like i’ve always said the last three hours, those votes from omicron persei 8 should be seated at the convention.” then she cackled.
5. bloomberg, after months of dangling the possiblilty of the first billion-dollar independent campaign before the eyes of an entire nation of voters who couldn’t possibly give a shit less, finally decided today that he’d rather have a billion dollars.
6. tim russert gave his souvenir piece of godzillary’s ass to his dog to play with. then he cackled.
7. maggie williams, touted as the genius who could turn godzillary’s campaign around, damaged her client’s campaign by publicly endorsing godzillary for president. the move was widely seen as a gaffe among political observers “just at a time when godzillary’s campaign could ill afford another embrassing headline about one of its own top staffers.” godzillary quickly moved to denounce and reject williams. “she’s obviously crazy. and stupid. almost as crazy and stupid as the millions upon millions of men, women, and republicans who vote for obama, regardless of how many times i call them crazy and stupid. fuck ’em. and the bus they rode in on.” then she cackled.
john lewis wins this year’s nobel prize for cruelty inflicted for the simple purpose of shits and giggles. first he endorsed ohbama. then he said, “no i didn’t. yet. maybe.” then he made godzillary beg like a dog for two weeks. then he let her get her nuts nailed to her forehead last night. then he endorsed ohohohbama. with a shit eating grin. i just snickered a peanut m&m up my nose.
you know why chris dodd’s endorsement of of ohwowbama was so funny yesterday, just hours before the debate? this is why: it’s the green flag for all of the superduperquadruper delegates to get their dicks out of their hands and get on the train. etc. and here they come.
louis faracan’t. he hasn’t mattered for ten years, until godzillary shoved him up her own patoosis and hit the detonator. without any possibility of doubt, that was the single studipest thing any “candidate”—and i include my own dude kookycinich—has ever, ever, ever said at the tail end of the worst debate performance since the christians vs the lions. or ever will say. at this rate, she will lose both the 2006 and the 2000 senate races.
and then obama mopped the floor with her. and then tim russert snickered. and then brian williams snickered. and then godzillary popped a stitch. and then she got booed.
and then russert “accidentally” played the Clip. woops. and then ohmigodthereheisbama snickered. and then the audience snickered. and then i snickered.
you know what maggie williams is going to say? to godzillary’s face? in front of everybody? “you drove the bus in the ditch before i even got here.” snicker. and then everybody, including bill, is going to snicker.
i don’t know when to quit either, but even i don’t have the stomach to sit there in front of a hundred people whose careers just went down the toilet with her and watch those returns on tuesday. what a glutton for punishment. betcha a doughnut she’s too cheap to concede.
(note: i was right. she was too cheap to concede.)
chris dodd. before the debate. snicker. who’s next? bill?
then her 527 unloaded the dud heard round the world. did they chicken out? change their minds? lose the money in a crap game? give it to o-o-o-bama? (a number of those hedge funds—including chelsea’s employer—did. snicker.) his 527s, including moveon.org and seiu, have already spent two million so far in ohio alone. and only an irredeemable son of a bitch would point out that moveon.org was originally launched to defend the clintons. and then snicker.
then, there was The Debate. nothing coulda been finer—not in caroliner:
1. godzillary got booed. again. i didn’t just snicker; i ruptured an adenoid. i always said she’d make an even better president than nixon. dude, i’m the last one to know when to quit. i know how she feels. i’ve even been booed. but, jesus, not while running for president.
2. from now on, my standard excuse at work will be, “the bus was in the ditch when i got here.” now i owe him one.
3. she started off by telling the moderator to go fuck himself, who needs you filthy cocksuckers in the media anyway, you all work for mcbain and cheney. then she whined/hinted (whinted?) about getting better treatment. then she offered wowbama a pillow. then he smothered her with it.
4. he let her whine for sixteen mintutes, wasting precious second after second that could have been better spent saying something, anything, that might actually help her campaign. for once. then he let her whine about going first all the time. then he let her cut him off in her mad rush to be first all the time. then he mopped the floor with her. “you’re right. your co-president sucks. so do his policies. so does your campaign organization. so do you.” then he mopped the floor with her.
5. nafta:
dear suckers,
kiss your asses goodbye.
signed,
billary.
godzillary: “i was opposed to nafta.”
tim russert: “bullshit. next question—”
ooooooo!bama: “—she’s right, tim. her nafta bill sucks.” then russert high-fived him. then he blew a kiss to shuster. then he flipped godzillary the bird. then o’bama mopped the floor with her.
6. iraq:
godzillary: “but dubya whispered such sweet nothings. who could resist him? am i right, ladies?”
O-bomba: “don’t blame me. i voted for gore.”
7. if they could take anything back?
omigodbama: “i voted for bill.”
godzillary: “me, too.”
last, but far from least: a suggestion has been made by some pundits today that, as bill was the “first black president,” so obama would be the “first woman president.” they are wrong. carter was the first woman president.
1. let me argue first that independent candidates in general, if not ralph malph in particular, have shown other candidates like o!bama that there may be a reason to go after voters besides just the so-called “base” of each of the two main parties.
2. let me further argue that, although ross perot may have put a fatal dent into the republican campaigns of bush and dole, nader the fader puts a dent into the campaign of harold stassen.
3. godzillary this week demonstrated her astonishing political versatility by launching five separate campaigns against big O and failing miserably at all five.
4. godzillary this week demonstrated her astonishingly relentless political ineptitude by continuing to lose ground in every single demographic group in every single state every single second of every single day. new polls out today show that she will soon face recall elections in new hampshire, tennessee, and california, and new jersey. at this rate, billary will have retroactively lost the 1996 election by st patrick’s day and may end up having its name erased from the arkansas record books if she doesn’t quit by mother’s day.
5. new polls out today show godzillary losing to huckleberry in a hypothetical general election.
6. new polls out today show godzillary losing to “ralph” nader.
7. new polls out today show godzillary losing to harold stassen.
8. gennifer flowers today put her collection of tapes up for sale. you remember. the ones where bill tells her that his marriage to godzillary is just for the sake of his public image. revenge is a dish best served on a pile of cold hard cash. snicker.
i have no idea what i’ll be doing this weekend. i’ll keep you posted.
on a lighter note, i’ll be keeping track tonight of how many times godzillary gets booed tonight, and how many times her daughter—you remember, the one who deosn’t look like bill and who works in the very hedge fund industry that godzillary blames for all the evils that she’s running against—is the one who leads the booing.
politiqs started as a series of unsolicited texts/emails to my friend, the eminent poet, derand errol wright.
here’s a primer to get you started:
godzillary: an unstoppable monster. a presumptive nominee. a presumptive president. a sore loser. a chicken coming home to roost.
billary: what shakespeare once called “the beast with two assholes.” as in co-presidents. as in “husband” and wife tag team.
The Thing That Cannot Be Interviewed: chelsea clinton. “seen but not heard.” ’nuff said.
an irredeemable son of a bitch: someone who would point out that hitler was a gay, vegetarian, socialist artist. and then snicker about it.
someone is bound to complain that politiqs, at least so far, is mostly about hillary and obama. that’s because this delicious hatchet catching contest is for a limited time only. but have no fear: mccain won’t be getting any younger.
many of you (admit it!) have clamored for me to start a blog. so, here it is.
the purpose of this blog is to advertise me and tickle you. hopefully, you will eventually shell out money for my books, photographs, and tickets to my shows. i also intend to represent and promote my friends/colleagues/enemies as much as possible, so be sure to contact me with your new song/poem/obituary.
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1. i’m funny. maybe you’re funny. maybe not. but i am. get over it.
2. i am a smartass, not a crusader. do not fall into the trap of believing anything i say or write, it will only cause you undue mental calisthenics.
3. i think funny means being “fair,” not for the sake of being fair, but for the sake of being funny. that’s why i think david letterman is funnier than al franken or ann coulter. when you take sides you stop being funny. so, if i make fun of your favorite politician/celebrity/food, just leave a sarcastic, childish comment and move on to the next entry, or browse the other archives. or look at some pictures. but please, for my sake and the sake of the human race, do not cancel me. i need you.
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politiqs by tommy jonq 