Citing “irreconcilable donors,” presidential pants suit Hillary Rodham Clinton Merkel unveiled a new campaign ad today. In it, The Thing That Cannot Be Emailed wrestles with Uncle Caitlynn in a vat of Greek olive oil to the tune of Psy’s “Hangover.” Watching a celebrity donor preview of the ad, Rosie “The Riveter” O’Donnell noticed that Chelsea wasn’t wearing her wedding ring. “It fell off,” Hillary explained. “It falls off all the time. Even without swimming in Greek olive oil. It falls off when she goes to the grocery store. It falls off when Marc goes to the strip club. It falls off all the time. Besides, I didn’t have to get my boobs done to get on the cover of Vanity Fair. Monica got her boobs done by Bill, and bam! there I was on the cover of Vanity Fair.”
it’s 3 am in foggy bottom. a pants suit with a “trump in 2012!” button on her lapel hands the the Red Phone to a flibbertijibbet searching through the couch cushions for lost Change. “uh, look. when i said gadhafi had to go, i meant gbagbo has to go. who?”
1. bonnie prince willie announced that he won’t be wearing a wedding ring. “bill clinton wears a wedding ring. charlie sheen wears a wedding ring. marc mezvinsky wears a wedding ring. eliot spitzer wears a wedding ring. chris lee wears a wedding ring. john edwards wears a wedding ring. hugh grant wears a wedding ring. web hubbell wore a weading ring. newt gingrich has worn three wedding rings. my dad wore a wedding ring. when he was married to my mother. now he’s married to camilla. he wears a wedding ring now.”
2. levi “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander” johnston, father of tripp “not to be confused with trigg. like it matters” palin, but not the husband of bristol “not to be confused with chelsea. or malia. or jenna. or barbara. or amy. or caroline. and it matters to my mom a lot” palin, not that it matters, this is the 21st century after all, even if certain big-mouthed, big-chested vice-presidential “candidates” do blather on and on about family values while waving pinheaded babies around on “reality” TV shows and celebrity talent shows and fox “news” shows, also announced that he won’t be wearing a wedding ring, either. “it’s not like web hubbell wore hillary’s wedding ring. it’s not like thomas jefferson wore sally’s wedding ring. it’s not like oprah wears rosie’s wedding ring.”
3. japanese emperor akihito, who does even less than the queen of england, the king of norway, and the vice president of the united states combined, made another broadcast. “the tsunami has not developed entirely in japan’s favor. therefore, we must endure the unendurable. we must watch rosie interview trump on oprah’s network.”
it’s 3 am in foggy bottom. a pants suit with a “yes i still can!” button on her lapel and crosshairs on her bifocals is checking bill’s donor list. a call comes through on the Red Phone. “yes, you can have season tickets to redskins games. yes, you can have season tickets to american idol. yes, you can have season tickets to charlie sheen’s Ski Bunny Hot Tub Party. no, thank YOU, mr gadhafi!”
1. barack “the audacity of hope and the trigger finger of yosemite sam” obama, fresh from his vacation bombing the bejeezus out of rio de janeiro fat-free forgurt stands, watched his approval ratings go up, then down, then up, then down, then up, then down. “uh, look. you beer-drinking charlie sheen addicts need to make up your minds. do you want lieberman’s gadhafi gazebo bombed or not? my one and only term is almost up, and hillary’s donor list is getting ants in their pants.” then he fist-bumped tzipi “not another pretty face” livni. then he fist-bumped abdul-aziz “not another pretty napalm bomber” ibn-saud. then he fist-bumped bashar “not another pretty beirut” al-assad. then he fist-bumped david rene “not another pretty kristallnacht” rothschild.
2. hillary “i didn’t eat a bucket of monica lewinsky’s used sanitary knishes for nothing” clinton, whose first husband was the first black president of the united states, explained that the u.s. navy and air force were bombing gadhafi in order to save him. “as the next president, who already won florida, who already won ohio, so i don’t have to run again, check the constitution, let me just say this: there won’t be enough bunker-buster-proof park avenue condos for certain chubby coffee-stirrer lickers to hide in when i’m the one sweating up the air force one upholstery. lieberman uber alles!”
3. The Thing That Cannot Be Interviewed, whose marriage to the son of an unpardoned jail-bird is absolutely not on the rocks, already, ate corned beef and cabbage and botox for dinner on st patrick’s day. alone. “of course i know where my ring is. of course i know where marc is. he’s at hooters. with carlos estevez. and my mom’s husband. besides, he can come home any time he wants. if he wants. besides, his bed’s been slept in. just ask arianna huffington. just ask lisa ling. just ask kim kardashian. besides, i don’t give interviews.” then she took the bag off her head. then six japanese nuclear reactors melted down. then six libyan challenger tanks melted down. then six bahraini protesters melted down.