DNA Test Reveals Chelsea’s Father

Stanford University October 20, 2018 Geneticist-for-hire and honorary Indian Scout, Professor Carlos Bustamente, announced today that DNA analysis of Monica Lewinsky’s prom dress “proves once and for all” that Bill Clinton is “at least 1/1024th Chelsea’s ancestor.” Hillary Clinton, Bill’s long-time wife and perennial presidential campaign loser, waved the results in winning presidential candidate Donald Trump’s face. “Look–we believe survivors,” the former one-term Senator insisted. “But not 21-year old unpaid interns. Besides, this vast, right-wing conspiracy to deny me my birthright to be president owes me an apology. Besides, Chelsea looks nothing like Web Hubbell. Besides, I wear a Monica costume for Bill every Hallowe’en, and one of these years, he’s bound to come home!”

Pocahontas Rolls Pocahontas Over In Her Grave

Virginia Colony October 19, 2018 Supporters of self-embattled presidential candidate and part-time Senator Elizabeth “Bury My Campaign at Wounded Knee” Warren warmly cheered the bona fide American–if not entirely Native American–Democratic Party hopeful at a campaign fundraiser hosted by Wayne Newton. “We raise ’em much wampum! We defeat ’em much Republicans! We give ’em White House back to Percival Lowell! Google it! What else? Oh, yeah! Then, we legalize ’em Peace Pipes!” When asked to respond to the ongoing controversy over her recent DNA test results, Senator Warren adjusted her Senatorial war bonnet and proclaimed, “As long as I still have one drop of Indian blood in my veins, I will not stop fighting for the rights of my people to build ’em heap big casinos conveniently located near Social Security check cashing facilities!”

Godzillary Rises!

Citing “irreconcilable donors,” presidential pants suit Hillary Rodham Clinton Merkel unveiled a new campaign ad today. In it, The Thing That Cannot Be Emailed wrestles with Uncle Caitlynn in a vat of Greek olive oil to the tune of Psy’s “Hangover.” Watching a celebrity donor preview of the ad, Rosie “The Riveter” O’Donnell noticed that Chelsea wasn’t wearing her wedding ring. “It fell off,” Hillary explained. “It falls off all the time. Even without swimming in Greek olive oil. It falls off when she goes to the grocery store. It falls off when Marc goes to the strip club. It falls off all the time. Besides, I didn’t have to get my boobs done to get on the cover of Vanity Fair. Monica got her boobs done by Bill, and bam! there I was on the cover of Vanity Fair.”