it’s 3 am in foggy bottom. the white girls are asleep in front of the TV, watching the kennedy center honors. a flibbertijibbet is downstairs, chewing on The Patch and doing 500 crunches. a first wife in bifocals and a bailed out pants suit is on the Red Phone with the president of israel. “do you know what this will do to the price of dubai oil? do you know what this will do to the price of kazakh uranium? do you know what this will do to the price of bill’s donor list?”
1. sarah “a caribou in every pot and an oil well in every driveway” palin’s future campaign manager, chip “the magic moron” saltsman, in another demonstration of palin’s awesome potential to pump a certain irredeemable somebody’s blog right through the stratosphere, attempted to buy bam-o’s senate seat from blago with a bootleg copy of bozo’s cd, Songs to Britney Yourself By. then he tried to buy the republican national committee chair with a cd called Songs To Get Yourself a Lot of Cheap Publicity, Fast, By. then he tried to buy a pig wearing versace lipstick. then he tried to buy a weekend with The Thing That Works on Wall Street. “sold. throw in a copy of the White Album, and she’ll keep the bag over her head.”
2. barack “the magic donor list” obama spent christmas in hawaii, thousands of miles from rod “blagojevich” blagojevich and his totally believable, air-tight alibi. then he opened presents with his family. then he snuck out to the garage to fire up a loosey. then he took a few hits in the press room. “uh, look. it’s christmas. candy, cookies, and cakes everywhere. this is just an appetite suppressant. how do you think i maintain these abs?” then he took off his shirt. then oprah’s sun glasses steamed over. then katie couric’s tv lens steamed over. then hillary’s bifocals steamed over. “those should be my abs. i won new hampshire! i won indiana! i won south dakota!”
3. secretary of state condoleeza “you’d think with a name like mine, i would have been called condom-sleazer in school, but ironically, i wasn’t” rice, who could have a boyfriend if she wanted one, defended her boss, lame-duck blog fodder george “if the shoe fits, wear it!” bush. “someday, you’ll thank him. you’ll thank him for showing you what eight years of jimmy carter would have looked like. you’ll thank him for flushing your 401k down a mortgaged chinese toilet at wal-mart. you’ll thank him for keeping john mccain out of the white house.”
http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/12/28/rice.administration/index.html
4. radio-based blogger rust limp paw defended chip “the dip” saltsman’s use of a paul shanklin “song” that makes unfavorable allusions to the beloved, melamine-“free” chinese stuffed toy, Puff the Magic Dragon. “remember—your haters make you famous. for example, if it weren’t for me, no one would have ever heard of hillary clinton. this cd will get saltsman more email adresses and facebook donors than a barrel of aborted babies and a truckload of inflatable sarah palin dolls put together. i just wish i’d play it first. oh, wait, i did.”
5. obama girl caroline kennedy, who has never done anything useful in her life beyond wearing diamond necklaces onstage at the kennedy center for the performing arts, is the front-runner to replace hillary “18 million splats against the glass ceiling” clinton as junior senator from new york. “all i want is what’s coming to me. all i want is my fair share.” then she made some new friends in the new york press corps. “do you write for cosmo? do you writer for oprah? do you write for playgirl?” then she explained her qualifications for holding elected office without actually standing for election. “bloomberg represents israel. cuomo represents italy. i say, it’s about time somebody represented massachusetts. lieberman uber alles!”
http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2008/12/28/caroline-kennedy-busts-new-york-times-reporter-interview/
Seed Newsvine
politiqs by tommy jonq 