obama bams blag’s bag

In Uncategorized on December 12, 2008 at 2:53 am

it’s 3 am in foggy bottom. the white girls are snug in their beds, dreaming of al gore’s oscar. the sultan of big macs is snug in his bed, dreaming of al gore’s nobel. a flibbertijibbet is prowling around the laundry room, looking for a “bomb iran” T-shirt to wear to the Inaugural Ball. upstairs, a woman in bifocals and a secretarial pants suit is on the Red Phone with a bailbondsman in daley city. “no, i can’t throw his bail. senate candidate number 6 would, though. hold on, i’ll wake him.”

1. illinois governor rod “it sounds the way it’s spelled. like an old drunk sneezing while he shits his pants” blagojevich, in an FBI podcast on QVC, auctioned off barack “the velvet crowbar” obama’s empty senate seat to the hightest bidder. then he was arrested on federal corruption charges by webelo scout patrick “i never met an i i didn’t dot” fitzgerald. then he told the chicago tribune (motto: “a little to the right. a little more. a little more.”) that there was “nothing but sunshine hanging over my head. sunshine, and 20 to life at leavenworth.” then he made bail by selling tickets to a jailhouse raffle. “first place gets a date with chelsea. second place, two dates.” then he sold abe lincoln’s gettysburg address to oprah for cab fare home. then he sold his haircut to sinead “britney wishes she could sing like me. sing, and repeatedly blago my own career like me” o’connor. then he sold wrigley field to m&m mars. then he sold the vienna sausage company to oscar meyer. then he sold his wife to the sultan of dubai. then he pleaded not guilty by reason of oj-scale stupidity.

http://firstread.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2008/12/12/1712752.aspx

2. brack “when irish eyes are smiling, they’re being exonerated on an FBI phone tap” obama called for fellow democrat rod “what’s stupider than sarah palin, catie couric, and a pinheaded baby put together? me, that’s what” blagojevich to resign as governor of illinois. then he fist-bumped failed senate candidate number 5. then he fist-bumped failed senate candidate number 4. then he fist-bumped failed senate candidate number 3. then he fist-bumped failed senate candidate number 2. then he fist-bumped oprah “anything al franken can do, i can do better” winfrey.

http://www.politico.com/news/stories/1208/16481.html

3. The Thing That Works On Wall Street lobbied her mother, joe cool, senate candidates number 1 through 5, barney “i never met a man i didn’t like” frank, ted “i never met a bribe i didn’t like” stevens, joe “i never met a sarah palin blowup doll i didn’t like” lieberman, and george “ever wonder what eight years of jimmy carter would have been like?” bush to pass an auto industry bailout bill, “before the economy starts to look like this!” then she took the bag off her head. then socks blago’ed himself. then gm ceo rick “they can’t fire me. i’m close friends with senate candidate number 3” wagoner blago’ed himself. then yahoo ceo jerry “they can’t fire me. i quit” yang blago’ed himself. then goldman sachs ceo henry “they can’t fire me. i work for dubya now” paulson blago’ed himself, the u.s. “treasury,” the u.s. auto “industry,” the u.s. mortgage “industry,” and the new orleans aints’ playoff chances.