tommyjonq

ring around the rosie, obama full of posie

In Uncategorized on April 6, 2011 at 11:32 am

it’s 3 am in foggy bottom. a pants suit with a “trump in 2012!” button on her lapel hands the the Red Phone to a flibbertijibbet searching through the couch cushions for lost Change. “uh, look. when i said gadhafi had to go, i meant gbagbo has to go. who?”

1. bonnie prince willie announced that he won’t be wearing a wedding ring. “bill clinton wears a wedding ring. charlie sheen wears a wedding ring. marc mezvinsky wears a wedding ring. eliot spitzer wears a wedding ring. chris lee wears a wedding ring. john edwards wears a wedding ring. hugh grant wears a wedding ring. web hubbell wore a weading ring. newt gingrich has worn three wedding rings. my dad wore a wedding ring. when he was married to my mother. now he’s married to camilla. he wears a wedding ring now.”

2. levi “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander” johnston, father of tripp “not to be confused with trigg. like it matters” palin, but not the husband of bristol “not to be confused with chelsea. or malia. or jenna. or barbara. or amy. or caroline. and it matters to my mom a lot” palin, not that it matters, this is the 21st century after all, even if certain big-mouthed, big-chested vice-presidential “candidates” do blather on and on about family values while waving pinheaded babies around on “reality” TV shows and celebrity talent shows and fox “news” shows, also announced that he won’t be wearing a wedding ring, either. “it’s not like web hubbell wore hillary’s wedding ring. it’s not like thomas jefferson wore sally’s wedding ring. it’s not like oprah wears rosie’s wedding ring.”

3. japanese emperor akihito, who does even less than the queen of england, the king of norway, and the vice president of the united states combined, made another broadcast. “the tsunami has not developed entirely in japan’s favor. therefore, we must endure the unendurable. we must watch rosie interview trump on oprah’s network.”

obama passes, nato gasses, gadhafi masses

In Uncategorized on March 23, 2011 at 8:54 pm

it’s 3 am in foggy bottom. a pants suit with a “yes i still can!” button on her lapel and crosshairs on her bifocals is checking bill’s donor list. a call comes through on the Red Phone. “yes, you can have season tickets to redskins games. yes, you can have season tickets to american idol. yes, you can have season tickets to charlie sheen’s Ski Bunny Hot Tub Party. no, thank YOU, mr gadhafi!”

1. barack “the audacity of hope and the trigger finger of yosemite sam” obama, fresh from his vacation bombing the bejeezus out of rio de janeiro fat-free forgurt stands, watched his approval ratings go up, then down, then up, then down, then up, then down. “uh, look. you beer-drinking charlie sheen addicts need to make up your minds. do you want lieberman’s gadhafi gazebo bombed or not? my one and only term is almost up, and hillary’s donor list is getting ants in their pants.” then he fist-bumped tzipi “not another pretty face” livni. then he fist-bumped abdul-aziz “not another pretty napalm bomber” ibn-saud. then he fist-bumped bashar “not another pretty beirut” al-assad. then he fist-bumped david rene “not another pretty kristallnacht” rothschild.

2. hillary “i didn’t eat a bucket of monica lewinsky’s used sanitary knishes for nothing” clinton, whose first husband was the first black president of the united states, explained that the u.s. navy and air force were bombing gadhafi in order to save him. “as the next president, who already won florida, who already won ohio, so i don’t have to run again, check the constitution, let me just say this: there won’t be enough bunker-buster-proof park avenue condos for certain chubby coffee-stirrer lickers to hide in when i’m the one sweating up the air force one upholstery. lieberman uber alles!”

3. The Thing That Cannot Be Interviewed, whose marriage to the son of an unpardoned jail-bird is absolutely not on the rocks, already, ate corned beef and cabbage and botox for dinner on st patrick’s day. alone. “of course i know where my ring is. of course i know where marc is. he’s at hooters. with carlos estevez. and my mom’s husband. besides, he can come home any time he wants. if he wants. besides, his bed’s been slept in. just ask arianna huffington. just ask lisa ling. just ask kim kardashian. besides, i don’t give interviews.” then she took the bag off her head. then six japanese nuclear reactors melted down. then six libyan challenger tanks melted down. then six bahraini protesters melted down.

obama spins, gadhafi grins, charlie wins

In Uncategorized on March 22, 2011 at 3:33 am

it’s 3 am in foggy bottom. a pants suit with hummus stains on her sleeves and a “home by xmas 2012″ button on her lapel puts on her bifocals to fill out her Two Week Notice. a call comes through on the Red Phone. “yes, i know i said i had foreign policy experience. yes, i know i said, when the going gets tough, the tough pound boilermakers. yes, i know i said gadhafi’s knishes suck. but tzipi livni says i can have kerry’s foreign relations chair if i sell out now. lieberman uber alles!”

1. “united” states president barack “the audacity of hope and the chutzpah of loaning gadhafi’s blood-for-oil money to earthquake-proof japanese noodle shops” obama, in his valiant effort to save his “birth” place, hawaii, from japanese tsunami radiation, flew to rio. then he vowed that gadhafi must go. then he vowed that the u.s. navy must take orders from certain military geniuses who once lost a war with an elephant and certain military geniuses who haven’t won a war since gunpowder was invented. then he vowed that gitmo must go. then he vowed that DATD must go. then he vowed that filthy, bloodsucking parasites in the mortgage industry must go. then he vowed that charlie sheen must go. then he vowed that marc mezvinsky must go home once every six months and pretend to be married to bill’s stepdaughter.

2. libyan “colonel” muammar “if scarlett o’hara can wear draperies to fancy parties, i can wear draperies to the u.n.” gadhafi, in his valiant effort to save israel from being obliterated by japan dumping its massive u.s. treasuries holdings on the open market to raise rebuilding money, vowed to buy whole new fleets of f-15 fighter jets and challenger tanks with “frozen” u.s. and british bank acounts. then he spit on lockerbie, scotland. then he spit on the grave of yvonne fletcher. then he spit on the grave on bonni barnes pugh. then he spit on the ruins of the world trade center. then bp wrote him another frozen check.

3. the cbs televison “network” begged charlie sheen to come back. then npr begged juan williams to come back. then nbc begged katie couric to come back. then avenue capital group begged chelsea clinton to come back. “we need someone who can convert blood money from yen to dinars to dollars to yuans to pounds to euros to francs, and still have enough change left over to pay for new gitmo waterboards.”

4. george “the w stands for who would be stupid to enough to get bogged down in three quagmires at once? oh, yeah.” bush, fresh from his trimphant rebuilding of quake-obliterated sean penn, hopped in a twin-rotor chopper and started dumping load after load of sea water in a frantic attempt to cool down a dangerously overheating lindsay lohan. “it was touch and go for several days, but we managed to keep her panties on long enough to finish britney’s new album.”

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